From the FLIGHT TRAINING HANDBOOK (F.A.A., 1965)

Here's the "short version" of the FLIGHT TRAINING HANDBOOK.  I read it over the weekend, and so I now know how to absolutely fly an airplane.

There's a lot of talk about fire extinguishers and parachutes, but I thought I'd share some of the really important details, in case any readers are looking for a new career path:

First, study all of these diagrams carefully!  When you first fly an airplane, you'll notice a guy who looks like Mr. Game & Watch appearing on all of the runways.  He is easily recognized by his giant hands.  You will see them, because he will be waving them at you constantly, as if he's trying to tell you something.  

To this day, I still don't know what "chocks" are.

Oh! And here's one they don't tell you is on the test, but it is:

They kept asking me what is important about the signalman's position...and it's a trick question, because from the diagram, he has obviously fallen out of the airplane! He's in no position to signal anybody, except for help of course.

They also make you study diagrams of a landing, and identify it as such.  I will be honest with you, I knew what a landing was before I even read this book.  Notice that, at the end there, you get three points for doing it.  This is important:  make sure that you always remember to record these points in your pocket scorebook, or else you won't be able to redeem them for prizes once you are inside the airport.

The test-givers also drone (a little flying joke, there!) on about take-offs, and make you memorize this diagram.  I will save you some valuable time:  all you have to do to take off is to do the complete opposite of what a landing is.  It's just that easy.

Also, there's about forty pages of stuff that looks like this page (above).  None of it is important, really.  During your exam, point to one of the dials that has lots of numbers on it (maybe the "Attitude" one), and tell your instructor that you can't fly this plane, because "the clock is broken." They usually laugh so hard, they will pass you just out of delirium.  

If you do decide to take any of my advice, or even read a book like this, and become an actual pilot, good luck to you!