The Things I See: Goodwill and Other Horrors

These sort of photos pile up after a while.  It could be a regular feature, if we didn't have other business to attend to around here.  But hey, why not? "Enjoy," he said, in quotes........

Yes, this is the actual thing they give you at Chik Fila to put on your table when you are expecting food.  And not only did somebody steal it, but they donated it to Goodwill...and GOODWILL SOLD IT.

I am not an expert, but I don't think this is the sort of thing you can learn from a book. Unless you are a serial killer.

"Would the person who lost their Diplodocus please come to the check-out area? Thank you."

It's interesting what people put in frames. I could've done a whole post on bizarre or dumb things left in frames, but here are a couple:

This person treasured the Columbia House Record And Tape Club so much, they framed a newspaper ad from the 1980's.

And this person was so enamored with this embarrassing typo (really two, if you count the inability to understand what an ellipsis is), they immortalized it in a frame.

This obviously wasn't Goodwill, but it sort of sums up the current state of Amazon pretty well!

And now, a special one that's dear to my heart. Do you ever stumble onto a random act of hidden hilarity that someone's left behind? Have you ever committed one? There had to be a first person who added words to a traffic sign or bathroom paper towel dispenser and made them hilarious. I think there should be more of these in our daily lives.  Case in point, I picked up a random paperback at Goodwill, thumbed through it quickly, and just happened to see this:

Thank you, whoever you are.  Your work is immortalized here for all time.

And now, we conclude with a speed round of  bizarro products:

1) A slightly used spitoon. Hey, somebody may need that.

2) And here is a GYYAAHAAGGHGHH let's just move on.

3)Admittedly, this is from a Wal-Mart, but this particular store is very, very....desperate.

4) This one is cool, my buddy has one of these. We put some wilted lettuce, a box of paper clips, and a tarantula into it, and it came out ham! It's pretty handy.

And finally, the grand finale...hide the children:

5) As you drive home tonight, just take a moment to think about how somebody returned a used urinal to Wal-Mart.  And they took it back.  Hooray for Current Year!

Halley's Comet: The Complete Adventure (PAM, 1985)

 

Turns out, the COMPLETE ADVENTURE is a postage stamp's worth of information, and synthesizers.

Some records can be very rare AND a huge disappointment, all at the same time.  But first, a little story.  

When I was a kid, I took educational summer classes for a summer or two (they were trying to get me out of the house, obviously).  You were allowed to choose from a short list of topics, at least, and small me chose "photography" (skills and knowledge which, of course, are now completely worthless for me, in modern times), "the abacus" (big mistake...completely forgot I hated math...also, extremely obsolete, even then), and a thing called "Halley's Comet."  There was a big hoopla about it returning the following year.  It only was visible every 76 years, and people generally got one shot at seeing it in their lifetimes.  It was going to be a big deal and change life as we knew it.  

The short answer was:  it was a huge dud.  In fact, even Wikipedia says that 1986 was the worst appearance of the comet in the history of the universe, because of lots of factors.  It was pretty much a waste of time, from the ground anyway.

This record is part of that excitement built up around the event, and as previously stated, it's also a huge disappointment, much like the comet itself.  There is hardly a postcard's worth of information on Side One, which is spaced out (pun not intended) a sentence at a time, and intoned creepily over a synthesizer soundtrack that goes wildly all over the place, from "fanfare," to quiet, to loud, to everything in between, like it was composed to accompany something else entirely, and then got used for this.  So much so that the entirety of Side Two is the synthesizer score again, this time by itself...because we have nothing else to say about the comet, anyway.  [This is random, but it reminds me of the English dubs of ULTRA 7 that used to air on TNT, which also added a hyperactive synthesizer score, which actually detracted from the show you were trying to watch.  Just in case anyone else had that same experience!]

What they should have done was make a record of angry people's comments who fell for the hype, and yet never saw the actual Halley's Comet at all.  That would've been far more interesting to hear.

Halley's Comet: The Complete Adventure

P.S.:  Oh, and the record actually came with a "Star Tracker" dial thingy, which was actually well-made.  It has much more information than the actual recording itself.  I can only assume this record was sold in science museums, because there is no bar code, and I imagine selling this in an actual record store would've caused looting and riots.

The Things I See (continued)

Happy New Year! It's been a very long time since we've done one of these, and this is a good way to clean up a lot of loose ends that don't need their own posts.  So, let's empty out my folder, and see what we can get into (in no particular order):

Here is a cool inner sleeve from a 1950's RCA Victor record, explaining stereo to the masses.  There are some excellent graphics as well:

Stereo is easy:  The purple slingshot shoots a giant pill into a fan, and then a truck tire goes through your speaker, which makes you one of those bi-racial aliens from the original Star Trek.

I like how they have to explain to people that you have two ears, so therefore you should like stereo.

Do you ever dig through bins of records? Sometimes you find some strange things!

Somebody's not a fan, I take it.

Think about this: what's the last thing you expect to find at a thrift store?

What's funny about this is, this is the very tape that, years ago in the VHS trading days, was often the source for what went around (there was a Japanese laserdisc as well, so if your copy had Japanese subtitles, then you know where it came from).  Scans of this artwork were often passed around too, but this is the real deal, double-sided, holographic sticker and everything.

Weirder still, there was a plain tape inside, but as it turns out, somebody just made a NTSC copy of their PAL original, and kept the case.  But...why get rid of it, though? Hopefully they made themselves a digital copy first, because that's the only chance they are ever going to get.  Sad, really. 

By the way, here are some scans of the insert, just in case it helps anyone:

Moving on, here is a full-page, congratulatory ad for 60 Years of Toho films, showing Godzilla riding on top of a jumbo jet.  Because, why not?

EDIT:  See August Ragone's comment below, where he points out this is NOT a jumbo jet in the ad at all, but of all things, Thunderbird 2! Wow!

Thank goodness for thrift stores.  If I hadn't found this book, I wouldn't have been able to read the other books I bought:

Does anybody remember 2-XL, Mego's amazing robot you could play games with, who ran on 8-track tapes? I re-acquired a lovely, boxed model that I planned to do a full post on, and it came with this cool paperwork that I'd never seen before:

By the way, there's a much cheaper way to relive your 2-XL fun:  it's all been archived for you with an emulator.  Somebody's a genius.

I purchased an LP entitled "The Singing Swinging Banjo," from 1959.  Why did I do this? Because it came with an IBM punch-card attached to the back, that's why!

How cool is this? I was going to do a detailed post about the history of punch cards, but let's face it, it's never gonna happen. Besides, you can learn it all right here at this website.  It's really fascinating.  There was a time when many stores used these for inventory and price, and they were everywhere...and then suddenly, gone.  IBM had so many leftover that they were used for scratch paper for years!

You'd think I'd do a whole post about this, but I own a piece of a real Godzilla suit.  As you can see, they were made into (completely impractical and useless) keychains! Also, there is no date anywhere, but from my research, this was done after GODZILLA vs. SPACEGODZILLA.  These are super rare and never seem to come up on Ebay, but when they do, they always go crazy high.  I took mine out of this dumb rubbery (acidic) holder thing, and put it in an acrylic display box.  Here is the back:

Please see the Comments, where a kind soul has given us the translation of this text, confirming the SPACEGODZILLA timeline!

Lastly, here is real paperwork from a real doctor's office that I found myself in last year.  Note the "Race" section:

I mean, really.  How does this even happen?

It's OK To Say No (Kid Stuff Records, 1985)

 

We have to talk about this.  Not too long ago, I found this record in a thrift store.  Except that it looked like this:

It was very red.  I didn't realize at first that it was supposed to include a 48-page coloring book.  And it didn't matter, because Kid Stuff was getting into the 1980's safety record, and I recognized the potential for comedy gold.  I had to hear this.  And, it doesn't disappoint.

Let's get the disclaimer fine print stuff over with first.  As it goes without saying, child abuse is not funny, and of course, nobody here is saying that it is.  What is funny is trying really hard to get some of that sweet government grant money by cranking ridiculous records like this out, attempting to address this rather shaky subject matter head on and "seriously," and failing miserably in the process.  Let's face it:  records of this type never helped anybody, and never prevented one crime from ever happening.  "McGruff the Crime Dog" probably did (except for when he sang songs like this), but...this record is no McGruff the Crime Dog, as you will see.  This is equivalent to those vice or health filmstrips they used to show you in junior high, except that you couldn't hear the audio because you were laughing so hard.  

And, speaking of terrible singing, we begin this record with...a rap.  You heard me right.  After all, how else do we get "the kids" to listen? I always imagine decisions like this being made around a boardroom table, because it makes sense to me, but don't do that here, because this is Kid Stuff records.  There was no board.  Just a guy and somebody's brother-in-law who said they could "make a rap" for a case of beer.  As soon as it starts, you know you are onto something amazing.  It has a ridiculously sweet and out-of-place synthesizer--which is one in the Plus Column--but then the guy begins the whitest lyrics ever, and a chorus you will never free from the innards of your head once you have heard it.  All of this is bad enough, but it's this last verse that particularly annoys me:

You need to have a good kind of love

Don't be afraid to kiss and hug

But just make sure before you do

That happiness will come back to you

I don't think happiness as a motivation is the point we want to get across here.  After all, couldn't that also be the motivation of the criminal/perpetrator, too? This record is supposed to be about running away from danger; could we not have thrown together a stronger concluding verse, and maybe do a better job of firmly coming down on the side of, oh I don't know, non-molestation? FAIL.  And it's just the first of many.

The main takeaway of this record is this: if an adult approaches you and/or asks you a question, you should shriek "NOOOOO!" like you are on fire and then run away screaming.  I wonder how many kids got in huge trouble by just following this record? "This will be on your homework, class...Tommy, what is 3 times 3?" "NOOOOOO!!!!! ARGGHHHH!"

I haven't even mentioned that the entire coloring book has been obtained at great expense (ok, a great six bucks) and completely scanned for your enjoyment here! You should listen to the record without it first like I did, because when you do read along, it's an incredible let-down, and your imagination was a million times better.  In fact, let's look at some of the mighty fails that the book provides!

Right off the bat, we see an oversized green parrot with an orange vest and hat, on the center of the cover.  Ah, every kids' record needs a mascot, right? Is this the narrator of the record? Nope.  Is this a guide for the various children who are featured in the coloring book? Nope. Does he ever speak? Nope.  Does he even have a name? Nope, nope, nope.  He will make continuous random appearances with no explanation.  For the purposes of this post, though, we will give him the name of "Gropey."  As you can see here, these children are completely oblivious to Gropey's presence, even though he looks like he's about to go full Schoolhouse Rock and burst into song.

Throughout the book, Gropey watches the children get propositioned...usually from a safe distance.

Also, Gropey brings a level of paranoia to the procedings.

How about "YES PLEASE" or "Where do I sign?"...actually don't be dismayed, that's just that kid's agent. Also, disembodied Gropey head ...in the sky...?

Like your shoulder!

Actually, no, that's Fargo North, Decoder, from The Electric Company! He's cool.

Also, always hide the solvents when they come over. But that's a different record, isn't it!? (Gropey disaproves).

We could go on all day! I haven't even mentioned:

*the amount of pointless filler in the coloring book

*the other hideous songs filling space on the record (there's one that will shock you when it starts as totally rocking background music, and then they put words to it and ruin it).  

*the narcoleptic narrator

*page 9, where Gropey looks on from inside the house of the neighbor woman who wants to touch you

*the fact that this whole exercise amounts to a minute and a half of content repeated and stretched out to over 28 minutes (the opening rap is presented again in full at the end, because of course it is)

What else can we say (besides NO)? There's no way to adequately prepare you for this.  Scream NO at someone today, won't you?

LINK: It's OK To Say NO!

Hilarious Chinese Bootleg Puzzle

I love Chinese bootleg crap.  I should really clarify that, and say I enjoy the products that are ironically funny, since we are finding ourselves in our everyday lives literally surrounded by annoying, cheaply made knockoff garbage, thanks to lots of big name Internet retailers I could name.  Anyhow, imagine my surprise when I found this frame-tray puzzle at my local thrift store:

I walked right by it, then did a double-take.  It's one of those things that gets funnier the longer you look at it.  For starters, obviously we have Ultraman Zero and Taro dominating the image, but then your eye starts to wander...

First of all, yes, it's the starship Enterprise and a Naboo fighter.  I mean, really.

Secondly, that is indeed my friend Baragon...but in reality it's a photo of the Revoltech action figure of him.  They couldn't even be bothered to find a photo from FRANKENSTEIN CONQUERS THE WORLD and Photoshop it.  That was too hard.  It reminds me of the Episode IX debacle where an action figure of the Emperor was embarrassingly used instead of actual art, which of course is indicative of the whole existence of the Sequel Trilogy, but we aren't here to discuss that.

Of course, there are even more things that don't belong, some of which I can't even name (let me know in the comments if you can; it occurred to me the other day out of the blue that the upper-right monster is Golza, who was a prominent Ultraman Tiga villain).  This being a Chinese puzzle, there is actually an activity on the back, rather than a boring blank cardboard backing like the boring Americans have on their puzzles...if anything, China gives you value!

It's, um, a crummy cartoon house, and you have to color it yourself.  Don't worry though, because they give you an actual guide in the corner to show you how to color it...until you realize most of the house is actually white, so...

Also, there is a bar code, which I ran on the UPC code database of 63 million codes, and...it doesn't exist! What? Shocking!

Improve Your Eyesight Without Glasses (Wolf Records, 1977)

 

Alright, no preamble about how I post these to make fun of.  This record is unadulterated crap, and I am not too sure whether it might not be adulterated, to tell you the truth.

The good news is, it's rife with excellent fodder for samples.  The bad news is, it's going to insult your intelligence to the utmost limit of your endurance to get there.  

Often I post goofy comments, and people correct me, and that's fine of course; most of you are posting from free countries.  But, here is my understanding, and this is important (not being a doctor, and not going to eye-doctor school to be a doctor):  there are many types of various eye problems, and they all require different types of specific treatment, and I am unaware of ANY that can be cured by positive thinking and imagining geese.  There, I just gave you free important medical advice, and I'm not even qualified to do so.  Neither is this record.

I'm sure there is fine print here that I didn't read, absolving them from lots of lawsuits from people who thought they could correct their vision with an LP.  Speaking of lawsuits, one clue about this record is that it was reissued, removing the "Without Glasses" part of the title:

That means....something.

I could go on and use the word "scam" a lot, but really, less is more here.  Take this record for what it is.  Each side is quite long (around 30 minutes), and something about trying to listen to it all at once fills me with rage, but maybe if you take it a side at a time, you might find it more entertaining.  

What it consists of is a smooth-voiced narrator, who has all the qualifications to be an excellent automated phone tree, intoning endlessly over what used to be called "elevator music" or "hotel lounge music" back when those were things.  The record includes several diagrams and eye charts, but don't worry, they will hardly be mentioned here; you can doodle on them.  Instead, the narrator will tell you to do lots of imagining things like bowling, lots of staring out the window, and lots of staring at the spaces between letters.  My old psychology professor would've referred to all of this as "navel gazing."  

I left out how you are supposed to listen to this record every day.  Imagine that, as you try to get through it once.  Also imagine that some poor sap gave out some of their hard-earned money for it.  He can't remember how much he paid for it though...he can't read the receipt, because he threw his glasses away when he bought the album.

Just in the last few weeks, this blog has improved the very world itself:  We have posted LP's to make your plants grow, to improve your memory, and now this.  We should get a government grant for all of these services that we provide!

LINK:  Improve Your Eyesight Without Glasses