Look out!  Your day is about to be ruined.....from out of the sky, here comes: THE SUPER DICTIONARY.

I knew I needed this book.  Mostly because I wanted to see for myself if the high level of craptastic-ness held up throughout its entirety.  I figured there was no way possible that any book (short of cat-lady fantasy-porn) could be so backasswardsly inane, so obtusely retarded; all under the guise of elementary-school education.  I was wrong.  It IS possible.  It is SO possible.  It is completely, entirely possible.

I don't know where to begin, here...so many directions are open to me; it's like standing at a veritable crossroads of  village-idiotitude.  Let's begin slowly, by looking at the Cleverbot-with-a-brain-injury text in the yellow box.  I defy you to make some sense of that.
Assuring you that I am desperately trying to keep my comments above-board and something my own Children could read (but I am struggling mightily here, friends), let's just try to take this at face value...okay, he covered Superman in paint (starting at the, er, middle), but he wants to.....Nevermind, it can't be done! I was going to challenge the syntax of this, but I just lost the ability, because I just read the phrase "wet gold coating" again.  Lex Luthor (in protective metal gloves?) may be terrible, as we have learned earlier, but he is also a complete freak.
This is one of those panels that just speaks for itself.
The Penguin is a baaaaad man.  If he feels like it, he will steal a shovel.  A snow shovel, even.  He simply doesn't care.  Actually, I'm not condoning super-villain-shoplifting here, but I think the reason he walked out with the shovel is because THERE IS NOBODY AT THE REGISTER.  (It must be a Wal-Mart!)
Now we return to the Atom's love affair with bees, although it has taken a quirky turn.  At least we can commit this axiom of safety to memory:  if attacked by bees, they are deathly terrified of pens.  
In short, "never bring a pencil to a bee fight."
Okay, Superman is a vandalizing jerk who doesn't know what algae is, and Hawkman can be defeated with a peanut, but did you know that The Flash is a paranoid bundle of neuroses?!  Nevermind the ability to run fast, he just wants to stand there and freak out about having a path that forks.  Also, note that, once again we have frame-worthy artistic gold from THE SUPER DICTIONARY.  They are practically giving this stuff away!!!
"LOOK- - -
- -INTO THE FACE - - OF - -
Unfortunately, as it turns out, "Someone Has A Pipe" is the title of Robin's autobiography.
Now that I am in the P's, It strikes me that there is a lot of bondage in THE SUPER DICTIONARY.  First Luthor, and now the Joker has his own home dungeon-thing (and both done in swanky purple).  It also strikes me that Robin is suspended in a completely bizarre way.  Also, as we saw last time, if you get captured in THE SUPER DICTIONARY, it is customary to ask politely to be released.
Wait a second...those plumbers look familiar!!
Oh! Why didn't you say so? Let them in; they're cool.



Id0 said...

Being born with a set of wings is one thing, but consciously choosing to wear a mask with a beak is ridiculous.

A store that expects customers to grab a handful of nails out of a wooden barrel and has no counter space for purchasing merchandise pretty much deserves to be out of business.

I'm sure Atom could reason with an insect that is able to construct tiny fences.

Does taking a wrong turn on a footpath really matter when he can run around the Earth in 134 milliseconds?

Sampoerna Quatrain said...

These are all good points...my contention is, the SUPER DICTIONARY set kids' understanding of their characters back into the Dark Ages. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that many Marvel fans were created by the publication of the SUPER DICTIONARY.

Id0 said...

That's true, maybe DC should rehire Alan Moore and spice it up a little with:
V is for Vendetta.
W is for Watchmen. Who watches the Watchmen?