4/5/22

Improve Your Eyesight Without Glasses (Wolf Records, 1977)

 


Alright, no preamble about how I post these to make fun of.  This record is unadulterated crap, and I am not too sure whether it might not be adulterated, to tell you the truth.

The good news is, it's rife with excellent fodder for samples.  The bad news is, it's going to insult your intelligence to the utmost limit of your endurance to get there.  

Often I post goofy comments, and people correct me, and that's fine of course; most of you are posting from free countries.  But, here is my understanding, and this is important (not being a doctor, and not going to eye-doctor school to be a doctor):  there are many types of various eye problems, and they all require different types of specific treatment, and I am unaware of ANY that can be cured by positive thinking and imagining geese.  There, I just gave you free important medical advice, and I'm not even qualified to do so.  Neither is this record.

I'm sure there is fine print here that I didn't read, absolving them from lots of lawsuits from people who thought they could correct their vision with an LP.  Speaking of lawsuits, one clue about this record is that it was reissued, removing the "Without Glasses" part of the title:

That means....something.

I could go on and use the word "scam" a lot, but really, less is more here.  Take this record for what it is.  Each side is quite long (around 30 minutes), and something about trying to listen to it all at once fills me with rage, but maybe if you take it a side at a time, you might find it more entertaining.  


What it consists of is a smooth-voiced narrator, who has all the qualifications to be an excellent automated phone tree, intoning endlessly over what used to be called "elevator music" or "hotel lounge music" back when those were things.  The record includes several diagrams and eye charts, but don't worry, they will hardly be mentioned here; you can doodle on them.  Instead, the narrator will tell you to do lots of imagining things like bowling, lots of staring out the window, and lots of staring at the spaces between letters.  My old psychology professor would've referred to all of this as "navel gazing."  

I left out how you are supposed to listen to this record every day.  Imagine that, as you try to get through it once.  Also imagine that some poor sap gave out some of their hard-earned money for it.  He can't remember how much he paid for it though...he can't read the receipt, because he threw his glasses away when he bought the album.

Just in the last few weeks, this blog has improved the very world itself:  We have posted LP's to make your plants grow, to improve your memory, and now this.  We should get a government grant for all of these services that we provide!

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