Christmas 2022 Is Saved: The How-To Mega-Pack

So there you are...well, there you will be, anyway:  stuck at some relative's house, with barely enough room on the musty, undersized couch (that smells of cheese balls and Virginia Slims) to even sit, crammed among people you don't know and don't want to see, wishing you were somewhere else.  Dog hair and sweet potatoes everywhere.  It must be the holidays!

Of course, you have to try to talk to these people...if you can get a word in, that is, as they blather endlessly about how amazing their own children are, and how superior they are to you and your side of the family.  If only you had a way to really impress them...if only you had some new skills you could show off...!

This blog to the rescue! Taking advantage of the records below will put you over and above with the skills that you need to stand out this holiday season! To blow those suckers, with their Eagle Scouts and their Honor Roll urchins, right out of their eggnog! Observe!

7 DAYS TO BETTER BOWLING (1961)

Does it even need to be said that bowling prowess makes you the star of any family? What's more interesting than listening to somebody talk about bowling anyhow...reading about golf, maybe?

LINK: Better Bowling

BREAKDANCE (K-Tel, 1984)

One side sweet early hip-hop (when it was good, before it was about killing cops) and one side instructions that are actually rapped to righteous beats, you will thoroughly enjoy learning with this amazing LP that has never seen the light of a re-release.  Includes bonus poster of instructions and moves, which is included! What more could you ask? You, spinning on your head on the dining room table, with green bean casserole flying everywhere, will be all the thanks I need.

LINK: Breakdance

LEARN-PLAY BONGOS WITH "MR. BONGO" (1961)

Okay, so maybe your family is more white bread.  Worry not, "Mr. Bongo" has you covered.  Get ready to hear and say "Dickey, Dockey" until you are numb to the actual words.  Documentation included, but let's be real, we are just hitting a tiny drum here.  It's not nuclear fission.  And that album cover! Not since Led Zeppelin's PRESENCE have we seen creepier pod-people families.

LINK:  Learn (and we use the word loosely) Bongos

HOW TO C.B. (Pickwick, 1976)

Now, truck driving is something that will never go away.  I'm sure it's changed a bit, but return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear when everything was all about the C.B. Radio.  Pickwick spends an entire record teaching you the complete etiquette of using the thing, with LOTS and LOTS of sample jargon.  I mean, you don't want to embarrass yourself out there, and incorrectly pick up skanks when you ask them to meet you for a beer at the nearest Howard Johnson's? One slip of the terminology, and you could end up buying oil at a police station.  I kid you not, an entire dictionary of the slanguage (ugh) that encompasses 500 terms is included! Some of them are rather inappropriate, but who are we to judge.  Those Nutty Buddies aren't going to drive themselves to the grocery store, are they?

LINK: How To Speak C.B.

LET'S DISCO (K-Tel, 1978)

There is a 100-page book that goes with this record (what, K-Tel again?), but you won't need it; it's all there.  Remember:  This photo above could be your family this Christmas, rather than the scenario already described at the beginning of this post.  All I can do is lead you to the water and give you the tools you need.  The choice is yours.  

LINK:  Let's Disco

Good luck out there.  And please, curtail the voluminous emails of gratitude.  Instead, spend your time bowling with your breakdancing grandma to bongo music at the truck stop, which after all is the true meaning of Christmas.