Wacky Winners, Vol. 1 (Peter Pan Records, c.1975)

Usually, these sorts of random "kid's albums" bring back lots of memories for people.  This isn't one that I owned as a child, but maybe you did.  Hopefully, you did, but if you didn't, that's okay too, because honestly, it fails as being much of a children's record.

First of all, there is this:

This horrible blue monstrosity has absolutely nothing to do with what is going on here, and I would bet money that it kept several children from begging for this LP.  It's frightening, but yet, hard to stop looking at.  It's sort of a demonic eggplant/M.O.D.O.K./California Raisin-reject type thing.  Let's move on, and quickly.

And, he is on the label, too...GREAT.

I'd like to point out:  at some point, it became a "thing" to assign songs from the 1950's and 1960's to the category of "children's music."  I'm not exactly sure when it happened.  Perhaps the people that grew up with some of those songs felt they were silly.  Perhaps the publishers of those songs felt it was a way to keep them alive (and licensed).  At any rate, it happened, and I'm sure it continues to happen to this day.  Sometimes it makes perfect sense, and sometimes not at all.  Case in point:  this album.

Many of us have fond memories of the scores of Peter Pan (and Power) Records that used to be everywhere, especially if they involved book-and-record/comic sets, and superhero stories.  Those were exciting and fun.  This record is neither of those things.  Instead, you get weak remakes by different singers, with different instrumentation, recorded in different studios, but somehow, all called the "Puff 'N Toot Singers."  My friends, if you slog through years of school, only to find yourself in something named the "Puff 'N Toot Singers," then your life has been severely wasted.  The name is so bad, the copy-writer can't even remember it by the time he gets to the back cover, where he calls them "The Puff and Toot Chorus."

The front cover is supposed to illustrate the "happy, wacky" songs found inside, and yet there is still weirdness.  Let's go in order.  The Royal Guardsmen's 1966 hit probably makes sense on a record like this, but look at the illustration on the front cover:

I'm not exactly sure what is going on here...without a doubt, we are trying to publish a cover of a song about Snoopy, and yet not use his likeness.  It's almost a blob with a nose...and a bandana tied around its...blob.  I think those are paws behind the windshield?!  The more I look at this picture, the more I think my answer hinges on getting my medication changed.

Next up is "Rockin' Robin," which the cover misspells (again, 1950's). The colorful, Kroft-nightmare bird character on the front sings...

 ...about a Do-do. Huh.  Well, let's just keep going, shall we?

Next up is "Alley Oop," a song about a caveman based on a comic strip, so again, that one makes sense (although it's not "from the last decade" as the cover says; according to Wikipedia it was written in 1957).  

The next song listed is "Mule Skinner Blues," depicted by this creepy abomination:

Which looks like a Gepetto-monster with donkey's heads for arms.  However, the song isn't even on this album.  Instead we get something the label calls "Wringle Wrangle."  According to discogs.com, it was sung by Fess Parker in the film WESTWARD HO THE WAGONS (Or, if you went to private school, WESTWARD WHORE THE WAGONS).  So there's that.  At any rate, it's boring, choppy, and I wouldn't think it would hold a child's attention for very long. 

Closing out Side One is "Simon Says," or "Sez" if you read the front cover.  This song doesn't end, or fade out, but just cuts off, and that's exactly the way it is on my record.  Mastering error? Nice going, Peter Pan.  Stick to peanut butter.

Side Two begins with a hideous song called "Beep Beep." I was ready to swear that it was mis-titled, but it turns out, that is indeed the name of the novelty song released by The Playmates in 1958 (again, the 1950's).  It speeds up as it goes, and makes you want to slam your head repeatedly in a filing drawer.  After that is the Bill Haley classic, "See You Later, Alligator," where, once again, "1950's=Kids' Record."  Hey! 1950's again...I'm starting to wonder if this album is mis-dated.  Nah, it's just Peter Pan.  

"Sink the Bismark [sic]" was a hit for Johnny Horton in 1960, and I defy you to find a child alive today who will sit through it. 
Side Two concludes with a pair of real winners.  First up is "Running Bear," which the front cover illustrates with...

A bear.  Running.  In reality, the song is about an "Indian brave" whose love interest is on the opposite side of a turbulent river.  They both get in the raging river, swim towards each other, and die an agonizing death by drowning.  If that's not a children's song, I don't know what is! 

And lastly, the perennial elementary school classic, "Lavender Blue."  As if that wasn't bad enough, this version is a sloppy, Muzaky, saxophone-drenched version, that sort of sounds like a love ballad from one of those later Rankin-Bass stop motion stories; the ones where they had run out of ideas.  

Play this for your child, the next time they have done something wrong.

Oh, and lavender is purple, last time I checked.

LINK (if you dare):  WACKY WINNERS, VOL. 1 (and apparently there are at least TWO MORE volumes in this "series," if you can believe it!)